and thus i believe, that my faith in humanity is waning. small little reminders, like witnessing a young lady help an old woman on the bus, tell me that perhaps, all is not as bad as i presume. but in another moment, darkness consumes me as i fear the worst, assume the worst.

i fear, not knowing who i am, what i want to be.

i fear losing myself in this maze

i fear that i will someday destroy myself.

to make our peace and wait for death.

i shall not be so consumed with myself. better yet, let me find myself, before i seek others.

i hate my life. it is directionless, pointless, meandering, wandering.

it is time to stop and ask “what can i do for others” instead of “what can others do for me”

i’m sorry..that i like you.

You feel nervous, ill at ease
You’re worried that you’ll make a wrong move
You’re afraid that she’ll hate you

She lingers in your consciousness all day.
You think of her constantly, every little thing reminds you of her.
You see her silhouette in every shadow, you seek her out in the crowd
You need to see her, to hear her voice. Every moment of the day

The slightest thing she says, the tiniest action that she does intrigues you.
There’s so much you want to know about her, so much that you want to find out.

It makes your day when she shows you any interest, when she pauses to talk to you for that few minutes

You’d seek any excuse to be closer to her
Whether mentally or physically, it satisfies you even for that brief moment when you feel a connection

But these moments of satisfaction are all lies that you’ve concocted for yourself.
You know that it is impossible.
Yet your heart pushes you towards her

Any semblance of a connection is purely in your mind, part of your self delusions.

It’s time that you stopped lying to yourself
These lies only lead to more pain and anguish

And you know it so clearly. It’s as plain as the daylight streaming through the open window.

We all make hard choices. It’s now time for you to make your choice.

Choose wisely.

You disgust me.

I loathe you.

I have grown weary of staying here with you. False attempts at humanity are not the most interesting things to do with one’s life.

I don’t belong here.
You hate me, don’t you?
This has dragged on long enough.
I’ll bid you farewell today.
Thus far on we part our ways.

Goodbye.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin’ for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world

you look right through me, and never see my pain. i act happy and cheerful so that no one sees the scars i hide. if i dreamt i were dead i’d indeed be happy. this living hell is so much to bear, you’re never there for me. you never were. if you think you knew me, you never did, and you never will. the mask slipped for that few minutes. but now, now i know that when i put it on, it will not crumble as easily as before. each time it breaks, each time i reconstruct it,  it becomes stronger. regrettable it is, to resort to such means. i apologise.

isn’t this just the chio-est thing you’ve ever seen? hahahahhahaha because after considering that having the same colored iPod as *ahem* other people kinda -.- shingz, Red is the next chio-est color that they offer. plus, 50% of profit goes to some AIDS fund (:  do your bit for humanity.

and remember, christmas is coming *hint hints* just joking.

i knew how it was starting to crumble to dust. and prayed that it didn’t

but yesterday it did

i can’t say that i don’t like the way you try to comfort me

but it just hurts even more at times

it’s such a unhealthy obsession, painful affliction

there’s only one way to say those three words. and it tends to be the hardest way

“hey there”
“go away, leave me alone”
“i can’t..”

the stormy skies today perfectly painted the landscape of my mind.

the grey sky, threatening for the storm to spill over and ravage the land. Yet trees vibrantly green, valiantly holding on and striving their best for their survival.

my mind is weary, i jest not.

i’ve not been doing things right, and i curse myself for my shortcomings

yet if you’d show some concern, or even glanced my way for a second, you’d see the mask starting to crumble

i almost lost it today; only that i regret.

this day has almost come to a close

and my mind is inching closer towards the inevitable breakdown

perhaps i am accursed, to never find peace

as i pray that tomorrow will be a better day, i wonder whether if i put my faith in Him a little more, would i emerge from all this stronger than i was before?

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

-Psalm 23

“have i ever trusted You?”
“only you can answer for yourself”

scarcely any time has passed since i last saw you.

every glimpse of you that i catch, i etch into my memory

guilt overwhelms me. and i know i should cast you to the farthest depths of my mind.

the mind wills, the heart is unwilling

how far will this charade go?

i shall keep my facade, and wear the mask

though i fully know that someday the fragile mask will crumble to dust, today shall not be the day, and neither shall tomorrow be it.

if you could go back in time, who would you seek out?

what would you want to change?

i hardly blog.
i’m a very insecure whiny person.
i’m a terrible friend
i have absolutely concept of what social interaction is supposed to be.

digression.

“i would change very core of the person i am”

i’d give up so many things, just to be able to interact with people more.
at times i wonder, what is it about me that makes me who i am
and then i realise that part of it is precisely these social inadequacies that have shaped me to who i am now.
i speak better through my actions, and not my words.
i am thoughtless, inept, and totally clumsy.

sometimes i wish that i knew how to talk to you the way others do.

So it still stands, that people see the glass as half full, but i see it as almost empty.

life has dealt some people so much, that nothing holds hope for them anymore.

if you’ll only realise that my cheerful exterior masks the dark thoughts that writhe beneath the surface
you would run as far as you could from me

why do i only blog the dark thoughts?

why can these thoughts consume my soul?

how do i let myself be overwhelmed by darkness?

i ask thee.