suicide note

Dear world,

You disgust me.

I loathe you.

I have grown weary of staying here with you. False attempts at humanity are not the most interesting things to do with one’s life.

I don’t belong here.
You hate me, don’t you?
This has dragged on long enough.
I’ll bid you farewell today.
Thus far on we part our ways.

Goodbye.

dagger

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin’ nowhere, goin’ nowhere
Their tears are fillin’ up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

Children waitin’ for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dyin’
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Mad world, mad world
A raunchy young world
Mad world

you look right through me, and never see my pain. i act happy and cheerful so that no one sees the scars i hide. if i dreamt i were dead i’d indeed be happy. this living hell is so much to bear, you’re never there for me. you never were. if you think you knew me, you never did, and you never will. the mask slipped for that few minutes. but now, now i know that when i put it on, it will not crumble as easily as before. each time it breaks, each time i reconstruct it,  it becomes stronger. regrettable it is, to resort to such means. i apologise.

picturesque

isn’t this just the chio-est thing you’ve ever seen? hahahahhahaha because after considering that having the same colored iPod as *ahem* other people kinda -.- shingz, Red is the next chio-est color that they offer. plus, 50% of profit goes to some AIDS fund (:  do your bit for humanity.

and remember, christmas is coming *hint hints* just joking.

fourthly

because the last trigger showed itself.

i knew how it was starting to crumble to dust. and prayed that it didn’t

but yesterday it did

i can’t say that i don’t like the way you try to comfort me

but it just hurts even more at times

it’s such a unhealthy obsession, painful affliction

there’s only one way to say those three words. and it tends to be the hardest way

“hey there”
“go away, leave me alone”
“i can’t..”

entitled

this comforting sense of sadness envelopes me.

the stormy skies today perfectly painted the landscape of my mind.

the grey sky, threatening for the storm to spill over and ravage the land. Yet trees vibrantly green, valiantly holding on and striving their best for their survival.

my mind is weary, i jest not.

i’ve not been doing things right, and i curse myself for my shortcomings

yet if you’d show some concern, or even glanced my way for a second, you’d see the mask starting to crumble

i almost lost it today; only that i regret.

this day has almost come to a close

and my mind is inching closer towards the inevitable breakdown

perhaps i am accursed, to never find peace

as i pray that tomorrow will be a better day, i wonder whether if i put my faith in Him a little more, would i emerge from all this stronger than i was before?

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

-Psalm 23

“have i ever trusted You?”
“only you can answer for yourself”

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed
I still thought you were right here
But you’ve already chosen a different path

Why couldn’t I call out to you at all?
Every day and night growing emotions
And words overflow
But I realized that
They’d never reach you again

Since that day I first met you
I felt like I already knew you
You and I melded into each other so smoothly

It was natural for me to be where you were
The two of us grew up together
But you’ve already chosen a different path

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed
I still thought you were right here
Now we can’t turn back

The special meaning held by this day
Today you stood with a happy expression
You looked beautiful while praying to god

But I wasn’t the one next to you
And the image of you receiving blessings
Of that how could I let go?

Why did I end up falling for you?
How we were before
We can’t return to it anymore (I’ve thought it through, thought it through)

Why didn’t I hold on to your hand?
No matter how much time has passed
You should’ve always been by my side (never changing)

But still, even if I’m nowhere near you anymore
I’m praying that you
May be happy for eternity
No matter how much that would make me lonely (no matter how lonely)

self delusion

its the second time today that i’m clicking on your facebook profile. in a span of a few hours.

scarcely any time has passed since i last saw you.

every glimpse of you that i catch, i etch into my memory

guilt overwhelms me. and i know i should cast you to the farthest depths of my mind.

the mind wills, the heart is unwilling

how far will this charade go?

i shall keep my facade, and wear the mask

though i fully know that someday the fragile mask will crumble to dust, today shall not be the day, and neither shall tomorrow be it.

time travel

recently i realised that…even though i swore to live my life without regrets, there’s so many things i’ve done, that i wish i could do over again.

if you could go back in time, who would you seek out?

what would you want to change?

i hardly blog.
i’m a very insecure whiny person.
i’m a terrible friend
i have absolutely concept of what social interaction is supposed to be.

digression.

“i would change very core of the person i am”

i’d give up so many things, just to be able to interact with people more.
at times i wonder, what is it about me that makes me who i am
and then i realise that part of it is precisely these social inadequacies that have shaped me to who i am now.
i speak better through my actions, and not my words.
i am thoughtless, inept, and totally clumsy.

sometimes i wish that i knew how to talk to you the way others do.

So it still stands, that people see the glass as half full, but i see it as almost empty.

life has dealt some people so much, that nothing holds hope for them anymore.

if you’ll only realise that my cheerful exterior masks the dark thoughts that writhe beneath the surface
you would run as far as you could from me

why do i only blog the dark thoughts?

why can these thoughts consume my soul?

how do i let myself be overwhelmed by darkness?

i ask thee.

here we go all over again

damnnnnnnnn, bio paper’s over. haha. had a blast with the team today, about half of them. hahahaa sitting in cousin’s living room nw typing this on her laptop. woohoo.

i miss you ):

it started out with us buying chocolates in the canteen. hahhhahaha its great when they sell the chocolates at such discounted prices rachel started pouting after she saw that jess and i bought chocolates so we shared the free cadbury bar that they gave. sister scammed huixin with the empty wrapped and then we got freaking scammed by huang that the bus was reaching. wlao.

eating with the team’s normally simpler than eating with the class. we take a much shorter time to decide what we want to eat and where to go. bleeeeahhhh. srsly. okay i’m mad.

headed to rachie’s house aft that. did stupid things and the like. all of us scammed huang that the wii candy dispenser worked as an actual wii console! hahahahahaha damn freaking funny she actually thought it worked when rachel was playing the whole while. wtfffff. huixin did exaggerated actions and sooks found out. bleehh. funnnnehhh.

watched stomp the yard, it was thoroughly retarded although quite touching at times. watched hannah montanna halfway, then they decided to go eat katong laksa. wlao. hhahahaha, me no eats laksa. rachel and i watched sooks huixin lynette and huang eat. lynette’s laksa was neverending. like some bottomless pit of laksa infinityyy.too bad i hate the smell of laksa now. ate so much of it in primary school that i’ve never ever gotten over the taste. hm.

waited freaking long for a bus to go home, i resisted the temptations of pizza. aaaahhh. feel so accomplished. not. had three apples, a bowl of grass jelly, two bowls of chicken soup and a papcket of muah chee. alamak. hahahahahaha

okay i’m really bored. gnite.

amor secreto

Oooh,
Yo quiero ser aquel
Que a tu lado esta
Alumbrandote en la oscuridad
Quiero elegirte entre las demas
Y mi amor gritar a toda la gente
Cuando lo sientas tambien
Y quieras callar
Voy a ser leal
Guardare este sentimiento
por dentro

*coro:
Amor secreto
Yo te prometo
Aqui estare
Cuando me necesites
Y en tu corazon me escondere
Tu amor secreto seree
Ooh, Ooh
Yo te prometo ….Amor secreto

Contigo quiero alcanzar el sol
Y el mundo conquistar
Y demonstrar que entre tu yo hay un gran amor
Que vive en silencio
Mientras lo quieras callar
Yo se que siempre voy ser leal
Guardare este sentimiento
Por dentro

*coro:
Amor secreto
Yo te prometo
Aqui estare
Cuando me necesites
Y en tu corazon me escondere
Tu amor secreto sere
Ooh, ooh

Comienza amar en libertad
No ves que esto es de verdad?
Naciste para mi
La gente habla sin saber
Pero en lo nuestro hay que creer
Ya no tienes que temer

*coro:
Amor secreto
Yo te prometo
Aqui estare cuando me necesites
Amor secreto
Yo te prometo
Aqui estare
Cuando me necesites
Y en tu corazon me escondere
Tu amor secreto sere
Sere tu amor secreto…sere tu amor secreto
Yo…te lo prometo(corazon te prometo)

Amor secreto
Yo te prometo
Aqui estare
Cuando me necesites (esto es lo que siento)
Y en tu corazon me escondere
Tu amor secreto sere
Guardare este sentimiento (amor secreto)
Yo quiero ser aquel que a tu lado esta…..

methinks, that spanish is inifinitely sexy. dabomb man! hahaaha. studying is driving everyone nuts. makes you wonder about how time passes by without you noticing it. hmms.
philosophical thoughts would reign my world, if not for the fact that they don’t contribute much to grades that i so desperately need.
i read a quote somewhere: “i’m a philosophy major. this means that i sit around whole day and think deep thoughts about being unemployed”